Episode Transcript
[00:00:05] Speaker A: Welcome. I'm Elida Murray, Executive Director of the Adams County Children's Advocacy center and this is Brighter Tomorrows, a podcast about mental health, resilience, creating authentic connections and how we can build and strengthen our community. We hope you will join us. The Adams County Children's Advocacy center is an independent nonprofit organization serving Adams County, Pennsylvania whose mission is to work towards a community where children are safe, families are strong and our child victims of abuse can be children again.
And as an organization that everyday supports children who have experienced trauma, it's important to us to support and promote activities that help to build resilience to stress and maintain mental wellness for everyone. In today's episode we welcome back Amanda Rispoli or Spoli, lpc, our in house Trauma Therapist at the Adams County Children's Advocacy Center. And Spoley's going to talk about how we can achieve calm during stressful times and ways we can support children and teens mental health during the holiday season. But before we start our discussion, we have an important message about holiday safety. At the Children's Advocacy center. We know that the holidays can be a very unsafe and stressful time for children. It's a time of year when child abuse is unfortunately a very, very large threat. I want to share some tips for parents, caregivers and our community of things that they can do to help keep children safe from abuse this season.
First off, talk to your child. Teach them that their body is their own and no one has a right to touch their body or take pictures of them without permission. Let them know it's okay to say no to unwanted hugs, kisses or other affection, even to adults and family members. Tell them to talk to you or another safe adult if anyone crosses their personal boundaries. The key to this is to communicate regularly about abuse and safety.
Next, limit time alone. 80% of child abuse occurs in the one on one situations between adult and child. If you limit the opportunity, you can better protect children with family and friends around. It's helpful to have organized or supervised activities to limit the time alone. Keeping alone times observable and interruptible is a safer way to manage alone time. This goes for alone time with other youth as also as 30% of all child sexual abuse is perpetrated by more powerful youth.
If you do need to leave your child alone with someone you normally do not rely on for childcare, just take a moment to ask yourself without a doubt, do I trust this person with my child's safety even for just a little while?
Next, be alert. Adults often see indicators of abuse, but either don't recognize or realize what's happening or disregard the signs because of the possible perpetrator is someone they're comfortable with. Unfortunately, 90% of sexual abuse occurs by someone the family knows and trusts. No one is exempt, not even the closest, most beloved family member.
Take a breather. When you feel yourself on the verge of losing it with your child, take a break or a timeout. Send your child to their room or you send yourself to your room or ask your child to go out to play and you take some time to de stress and calm down. Reach out, call a friend and ask for support. We are reluctant often to ask others for help, but in a stress filled, escalating situation, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It actually shows how much you love your child. And if you need support beyond friends, don't be afraid to reach out to a mental health counselor or crisis support line.
Alternatively, be a support Watch for signs of increased stress or possible abuse in those around you, including those with short tempers, if children seem jumpy or afraid, or even physical signs of abuse. If you see these signs, reach out and tell the adult that you understand you want to help and ask how you can help lighten their load and in all of this, Keep things age appropriate. It's important to make sure chores and tasks are age appropriate and that children aren't neglected because adults are tired, overstressed or have too much to do.
Always ask for help. Reach out to neighbors for help and share responsibilities with friends. Ask for help if you need it to make sure you're not neglecting your child or others during this holiday. Busyness and stress and focus on quality over quantity. With the rush of the season activities, often we cram in way too much more than we can physically and emotionally do. So it's often easy to miss those opportunities for quality time with family. So slow down and look for ways to spend quality time with it. It's great for children's development and for your peace of mind as well.
But always please report abuse and neglect. If you suspect a child has been harmed, it is important to report it. Please make that confidential call to Childline. The number is 1-800-932-0313.
I understand this may be difficult, especially if the offending adult is someone close to you. However, please consider if you don't act, the child may suffer continued abuse or even worse. Reporting is a way to get the family the help they need. And remember, you don't have to prove abuse, you only have to suspect abuse is happening so now that we've covered all of those, I want to welcome you, Spoley, and thank you for being with us today. So the thread that runs through all of our Brighter Tomorrow's podcast episodes is comfort and connection. And we know the connections are extremely important during the holidays. But at the same time, we have all experienced the stress that comes with the holiday season. The changes in routine, overstimulation, too much junk food, travel, staying up late, meeting new people, it just goes on and on. These changes bring stressors for both adults and kids. So how can we help parents, caregivers and members of our community to formulate a plan for how they can achieve calm and stay connected with loved ones so that everyone can enjoy the holidays?
[00:06:12] Speaker B: Yeah. So thank you for having me on today. And I think that one of the key things to really recognize is the importance of stress. So stress is something that everyone faces on a daily basis and we need stress to a certain level. Stress is normal. It's something that motivates us. It's both a physical and psychological reaction to daily life and the small things that are required to function. So I know for me, if I didn't have any stress, I would definitely not notice that I was hungry or that I needed to rest.
So without stress, we wouldn't be motivated to do anything. In small bursts, stress can help us.
It motivates and energizes us to get stuff done. However, when we're unable to address the stressors, or if the stress lasts for a long period of time without any relief, it can become what's called toxic stress.
And toxic stress can impact people's mental health, their physical well being and their relationships.
I know that most people have experienced some period of time where they felt some toxic stress. Whether that was a job change or losing a family member. There's a lot of things that can bring a lot of stress.
But since we all experience stressors in our daily life, we also all have experiences with what's called regulation, dysregulation and reregulation.
The way that this was explained to me and how I like to talk about it with my clients is by talking about the Hulk and Bruce Banner.
When we're in a regulated or calm body, we're able to be like Bruce Banner. And Bruce Banner, he's the one who's smart and logical. He's like a scientist, he's got big brains. You know, he's a really nice guy and he's really caring.
But whenever we feel really stressed or threatened, we go into what's called the Hulk mode. The Hulk mode is when he physically changes and he's unable to think things through.
He just kind of goes around smashing stuff and yelling. There's no real reasoning with him in the Hulk mode. And people and the other superheroes in particular have to help him re regulate and get back into a calm body so that he can be his Bruce Banner self before he can go and do logic and reasoning.
[00:08:52] Speaker A: Right.
[00:08:54] Speaker B: So when we look at all of the stories of the Hulk, he does his best getting back into his Bruce Banner body when he has support from others. And that's really the key part that I want to focus on today.
The people around him co regulate with him to get him safe and calm. So people, and especially our kids, they regulate with the other people around them. So I think we've talked about it a little bit before where when somebody comes into the room and you can feel they're really amped up, your energy changes a little bit to match theirs. But when we have somebody who's calm and regulated in the space, everybody takes a collective sigh.
There's this real relief.
So we feel each other's presence in a space and it's really critical that when we think about supporting kids, we understand that they cannot outregulate the adults around them in order to co regulate, which is another regulating word.
There's a lot of stuff that we can do.
The main principles are getting ourselves as adults into calm, regulated bodies, authentically empathizing and practicing patience, self compassion and self awareness.
If we notice that we're stressed out, we need to take care of ourselves in order to take care of those around us.
It's kind of like that airplane metaphor where the stewardess always tells us that when the mask drops down, we need to put our oxygen on first before we can help others.
It's the same concept. So if we're able to.
Current research shows that it takes between 5 and 10 seconds of relaxation for our neocortex to come back online and finding things that help you de stress is going to be critical for that.
One of the easiest and most accessible tools we have at our disposal is our breath. So a lot of people tell me that they hate deep breathing and that's totally fair. Deep breathing doesn't have to be closing our eyes. And oz, not thinking is hard.
And most people get really frustrated because they try to not think and then they're thinking about not thinking and then they're getting upset with themselves for thinking about. About trying to not have thoughts.
So it can be really tricky. So it gets to be a lot.
But deep breathing can literally just be taking a moment to notice our breath intentionally and without judgment. So we're not trying to change anything. We're just noticing where it's at in our body and how our body feels in the moment. There are a multitude of grounding tools, everything from holding an ice cube or drinking some cold water, to going on a walk and paying attention to specific things in our surroundings.
But once we're regulated, we can help those around us to be regulated as well, if we're able to. Ideally, we would model those things that we're doing for self regulation and practice whatever tool it is with our kids. Right. So a lot of times in session, I'll practice things that help me feel centered and grounded and I'll encourage kids to join me. Right. So I might say let's take a deep breath together.
So a lot of times when we start doing something, those around us will mirror that as well.
We also need to make sure that we're demonstrating that we're non judgmentally and actively listening, empathizing and validating people's experiences. When we're in the Hulk mode, we are not necessarily going to be able to have a thoughtful discussion or explain the big feelings that we may be having. It's not about fixing someone's problems or fixing their feelings. Rather, it's saying, I see you and I hear you and I'm going to stay with you through this, whatever that looks like.
All of that said, we do also need to acknowledge that all of this is based on the idea that the danger has gone away.
So what I mean by that is that in order for someone to get out of the Hulk mode, they need to not feel threatened. They need to be safe.
If there's a real or a perceived threat. It isn't very fair to ask someone to leave the Hulk mode because on a very, very basic level, it's a protective reaction to danger.
For someone who doesn't have a traumatic stress reaction and hasn't lived through any toxic stress, it can take anywhere between 20 to 30 minutes for their body to get reregulated.
For someone who has lived through toxic stress or has a trauma history, it can take anywhere from six hours to four days. And that's only if there's no new extreme stressors or threats to their safety. So keeping that in mind, it's not like people are sitting up late at night twiddling their fingers and thinking, ahaha. How can I make tomorrow the hardest day possible for everyone? Around me, including myself.
It's a biological reaction to stress.
[00:14:39] Speaker A: And especially if stress and then toxic stress and then trauma. And there's layers and there's layers and there's layers and it just builds and builds and builds. So. Absolutely. And as humans, it's only when we're in a calm, regulated state that we can truly create authentic, supportive connections to others. And that's why it's so important. I mean, I reflect on when I'm raising my kids, especially my youngest daughter really struggled with anxiety. And so when she got amped up if I didn't, wasn't able to become calmer, it just ballooned into a completely unmanageable situation very quickly. So I think, you know, as caregivers, we've just got to find a way to like, be more centered even when our children are struggling to be centered and not respond and respond in the most outrageous ways because then they can have no hope of coming back to center themselves.
So now that we're in a calm, regulated state, how can we help our kids and teens to navigate the holiday season when there can be so many emotional things happening in all of our lives?
[00:15:49] Speaker B: Yeah. So the holidays can be a great time for getting together with those that we love and care about.
It can also be an extremely trying time that feels unsafe and quite frankly, scary for a lot of our kids. First and foremost, if a child, teen or young adult says that they don't feel comfortable or don't want to spend time around a specific person, please listen to them. There's a reason that they are saying this. And just because we may be related to someone doesn't mean that our safety is guaranteed with that person.
Feelings aren't always facts, but they are extremely valid. So anytime somebody's feeling threatened or perceives a threat, we need to pay attention to that.
Also, please stand up for your kids.
If someone is making victim blaming statements, derogatory statements, or engaging in words, dehumanizing rhetoric, we owe it to one another to call out that behavior.
When young people hear these conversations, they are learning in real time who they are safe with and who they aren't safe with. So please be a safe person for your kids and your young people.
There are five things I would like to encourage people to do during the holidays. Acknowledge and talk about what is going on. Make time for connecting, find new traditions, keep your routines as much as possible, and take care of yourselves.
So first, talking about upcoming family gatherings and empowering people to set boundaries and communicate their needs as crucial. If we acknowledge things we have some sort of ability to take care of ourselves and to avoid shame and blame that may happen if things do come up.
The next two are kind of related. So making time to connect with one another and creating traditions are really useful in helping us to be a part of our community, whatever that looks like. Maybe you want to keep certain traditions or maybe create new ones.
Either way, making sure to spend time together, doing enjoyable activities and checking in often is going to be really supportive.
The fourth thing is about routines and I know I get pushback on this one, which is fair. There's a lot going on during the holidays and all bets are off more often than not. But routines are critical and usually not followed.
So I get that there's not school, but we need to keep a consistent sleep routine and daily routines as much as possible. We know that even an hour less sleep drastically changes behaviors and symptomology. Someone is tired, it can have the same impact as being dysregulated. Thank you.
Lastly, self care.
So self care has become this like wild buzzword in recent years, but it's usually being misused.
Self care is extremely helpful and it can do a lot for us, but it cannot fix burnout or toxic stress that comes from systemic oppression.
Also, people normally think of self care as bubble baths and face masks and having a great old time.
But it's really about doing the things that we need to do in order to take care of ourselves.
So whether that's setting aside time for you to make a doctor's appointment or read a book, or if you know that you do better when you meal prep this week or get an extra hour of sleep if you can sneak one in.
Whatever the self care looks like, it's really important to look at the bigger picture and make sure that you're doing the things that you need in order to be okay.
[00:19:57] Speaker A: Thank you.
All of this is so important for all of us to learn to remember and to put into practice. So in the doing of that, can you share with us your key takeaways?
If we don't remember anything else, what should we remember?
[00:20:13] Speaker B: My key takeaways would be to take care of others and help our kids get re regulated. We ourselves have to be regulated and relaxed. We all get stressed out, totally normal. Which means we can all benefit from engaging in self regulation and co regulation when possible.
Kids cannot outregulate the adults around them. You know, I say that one a lot.
They can only match us or shut down if we aren't regulated. So it's our responsibility to acknowledge our feelings, address our needs, and make ourselves and the world a safer place for our kids.
We aren't fixing or getting rid of feelings. We're letting our kids know that no matter what the feeling is or what the fear is, that we will do our absolute best to make sure that they are not alone, they don't have to carry this on their own, and we're going to stay with them through the storms of life.
The other thing that is because this time of the year is so difficult for so many people, I really want to make sure that people know that there are resources available for extra support.
There's no shame in asking for help, right?
You can Text or chat 988 for support from the Crisis Intervention Hotline. You could call the National Suicide prevention line at 1-800-273-8255 for free confidential support 24. 7.
Or you could call the Trevor Project, which is another 24. 7 hotline available to support LGBTQ youth at 1-866-488-7386.
[00:22:12] Speaker A: Thank you, Spoley. And I think like you said, it's so important for us to remember that asking for help is not a weakness, it is a strength. And that it is important for everyone to understand that and to remember, but also that there are things each of us can do to support one another and support the children in our lives during this holiday season, but also to put into practice other things so that we can build strong, authentic connections with each other that will last long after the holidays. I can remember as a young mother and I wanted to have this wonderful holiday season with my kids and we did all these things and all these things. And as I got a little older and wiser, I recognized it wasn't all these things as much as it was the few very important things to us. And my kids had a voice in what those important things were and we've arrived at those things over time and we still practice them even though we live all over the country and we're not together necessarily during the holidays. And I think all of those things are important. So when we do this, I want to thank to you, but also thank our listeners for staying with us through the episode. And to summarize what Spoley shared with us, remember, give yourself and those around you the patience, compassion and self awareness that you deserve and practice living the life that you'd like and that you would like to see your children living.
I invite you to learn more about prevention tips for keeping kids safe during the holidays and all year long. Also, about Spoley's work at the center and that of all of us at the Adams County Children's Inc. Center. You can visit our website, Kids Again cac.org or follow us on social media at Kids Again cac. Thank you for sharing this time with us today. Remember, let's work together to make our community safe for children and strong for families. We hope you will join us for our next episode of Brighter Tomorrows, and we wish everyone a safe, happy, healthy holiday season.
Take care.
